Terms of Survival | DangerBake

Before We Begin

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A Binding Agreement

The following document constitutes a legally binding agreement between you (hereafter referred to as "The Brave," "The Foolish," or "The Insured") and DangerBake Industries (hereafter referred to as "Not Liable").

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Read At Your Own Risk

This document was drafted by our legal team, which consists of one overworked attorney and a sentient flame that escaped from a FlameThrow 3000. Proceed accordingly.

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No Refunds On Reading

By scrolling past this point, you have already agreed to everything below. Yes, we know you haven't read it yet. That's kind of our whole business model.

The Terms

Section 1: Acceptance	By existing near a DangerBake product, you accept these terms. Proximity is defined as "anywhere on Earth, and select regions of low orbit." Attempts to not accept these terms are themselves a form of acceptance.
Section 2: Liability	We are not liable. For anything. Ever. This includes but is not limited to: property damage, personal injury, emotional distress, loss of appetite, gain of appetite, sudden philosophical crises, and/or spontaneous kitchen remodeling.
Section 3: Product Use	DangerBake products are not intended for cooking, food storage, food preparation, or any activity generally considered "safe." Any resemblance to functional kitchen appliances is purely coincidental and frankly a little insulting to our engineers.
Section 4: Warranty	All products come with a 0-day warranty. The warranty period begins at the moment of manufacture and expires before the product leaves the factory. We considered extending it, but our actuaries started crying.
Section 5: Arbitration	All disputes will be settled by trial by combat in our product testing facility. DangerBake reserves the right to select the arena, weapons (from our product catalog), and background music. No legal representation permitted. Helmets optional but recommended.
Section 6: Assumption of Risk	You acknowledge that using a DangerBake product involves risk. You also acknowledge that being in the same zip code as a DangerBake product involves risk. You further acknowledge that knowing someone who owns a DangerBake product involves risk. Basically, risk.
Section 7: Modifications	DangerBake reserves the right to modify these terms at any time, without notice, retroactively, across parallel dimensions, and in languages that have not yet been invented. Silence is consent. Noise is also consent.
Section 8: Returns	Returns are not accepted. We physically cannot accept returns because most products no longer exist in a recognizable form by the time a return is attempted. Also, our mailroom exploded. Twice.
Section 9: Indemnification	You agree to indemnify DangerBake against all claims, including claims from your neighbors, your insurance company, your fire department, local wildlife, future archaeologists studying the blast crater, and any sentient appliances seeking revenge.
Section 10: Severability	If any provision of these terms is found to be unenforceable, the remaining provisions shall continue in full force. Much like our products, these terms are designed to keep going even when parts of them are destroyed.

Important Notices

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Fire Clause

DangerBake is not responsible for any fires resulting from product use, product non-use, product proximity, or thinking about our products too intensely. If your kitchen is currently on fire, please stop reading and evacuate. Then finish reading from a safe distance.

Reading these terms near a DangerBake product may void your homeowner's insurance. We checked.

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Medical Disclaimer

DangerBake products are not medical devices. However, they may necessitate the use of medical devices. Please consult your physician, your therapist, and your general contractor before operating any DangerBake product.

Side effects may include: loss of eyebrows, temporary deafness, permanent surprise, and a sudden interest in fireproof building materials.

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Third-Party Clause

You agree not to hold DangerBake liable for any damage to third parties, fourth parties, surprise parties, or any gathering of humans within the blast radius. If your neighbors sue, that's between you and whatever's left of the fence.

By purchasing a DangerBake product, you automatically enroll all household members in our "Survivor Loyalty Program."

Supplementary Provisions

Governing Law	These terms are governed by the laws of a jurisdiction we made up. The DangerBake Free Trade Zone exists in the breakroom of our headquarters, which is currently on fire.
Force Majeure	DangerBake shall not be held responsible for failure to deliver products due to acts of God, acts of nature, acts of Congress, or acts committed by our own products against our warehouse.
Entire Agreement	This document represents the entire agreement between you and DangerBake. Any verbal promises made by our sales team ("it probably won't explode," "the flames are mostly decorative") are not binding.
Contact	For questions regarding these terms, please send a letter to our legal department. Include a self-addressed stamped envelope and a fire extinguisher. Response time: 6–8 business centuries.

Acknowledgment

★★★★★

“I tried to read the terms before buying the EZ-Splode. The page caught fire. I took that as a sign and bought two.”

— Derek M., Legally Bound Customer

★★★☆☆

“My lawyer read these terms and quit law. He's a shepherd now. Says it's less dangerous.”

— Sandra F., Customer & Former Defendant

★★★★☆

“Section 5 says disputes are settled by trial by combat. I showed up. They handed me a Blender of Doom. I did not win.”

— Marcus T., Arbitration Participant (Recovering)

By reaching the bottom of this page, you have agreed to all terms above, below, and in dimensions you cannot perceive.

Last updated: 14 seconds ago (our legal team works fast). Previous version was redacted after it became sentient and tried to sue us.