Safety Recalls

All of Them. Every Single One.

Every product DangerBake has ever manufactured is currently under recall. This is not an exaggeration. This is not a drill. Although several of our drills are also recalled.

Active Recall Notices

Product Recall Reason
EZ-Splode OvenSpontaneous detonation at temperatures above 0°F
FlameThrow 3000Accidentally weaponized. Again.
CrushFridgeExceeded recommended crushing force by 4,000%
GlassFountain SinkGlass shards now classified as projectiles
Blender of DoomAchieved sentience. Demanded overtime pay.
If you currently own a DangerBake product, do not attempt to operate it, move it, look at it directly, or acknowledge its existence. Some products interpret eye contact as a challenge.

Recall History (Abridged)

Recall # Date Incident Summary
DB-001Jan 2024EZ-Splode prototype detonated during investor demo. Investors impressed but hospitalized.
DB-002Feb 2024FlameThrow 3000 set fire to factory during quality assurance testing. QA passed it anyway.
DB-003Mar 2024CrushFridge flattened delivery truck during shipping. Product arrived in perfect condition.
DB-004Apr 2024GlassFountain prototype launched glass shards through three walls. "Adequate dispersal," said engineering.
DB-005May 2024Blender of Doom refused to blend. Issued a formal complaint about working conditions.
DB-006Jun 2024EZ-Splode Oven recalled after preheating caused localized earthquake (3.2 magnitude).
DB-007Jul 2024FlameThrow 3000 accidentally classified as military hardware by the Department of Defense.
DB-008Aug 2024CrushFridge crushed itself. Still worked. Engineers concerned but impressed.
DB-009Sep 2024All five products recalled simultaneously. Industry record. We're very proud.
DB-010Oct 2024Blender of Doom organized the other appliances. They formed a council. They have demands.
DB-011 through DB-847Nov 2024 – PresentOngoing. See attached 3,000-page document (not attached).
Our recall compliance rate is 0%. This is not because customers refuse to comply. It is because the products refuse to be recalled. They know where they live. They like it there.

Recall Statistics at a Glance

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Total Recalls Issued

All of them. Every product we have ever designed, prototyped, manufactured, shipped, thought about, dreamed about, or accidentally sketched on a napkin has been recalled. The napkin has also been recalled. Our current recall count stands at 847 and climbing. We issue new recalls faster than we issue products. This is because each product generates an average of 12.6 recalls over its lifecycle.

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Products Affected

All of them. One hundred percent. The complete catalog. There is not a single DangerBake product that has not been recalled at least once. The EZ-Splode Oven holds the record at 247 individual recall notices. The Blender of Doom has only been recalled 3 times because it keeps shredding the recall notices before they can be served. Legally, this means nothing. Practically, it means everything.

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Customer Compliance Rate

Zero percent. 0%. None. Not a single customer has successfully returned a recalled product. Forty-three percent couldn't find the product after "the incident." Twenty-seven percent were afraid to touch it. Eighteen percent reported that the product "wouldn't let them." The remaining twelve percent have not been heard from. We choose to interpret this optimistically.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission has asked us to stop manufacturing products. We have asked them to stop sending letters. Neither party has complied.

Recall Survivor Testimonials

"I got the recall notice for my EZ-Splode Oven three days after it detonated. Timing could've been better. The letter itself also caught fire when it arrived. Classic DangerBake."

— Marcus R., Recall Notice #DB-006 (EZ-Splode Oven)

"The recall said to 'discontinue use immediately.' I would love to. The FlameThrow 3000 has welded itself to my countertop. It turns on when it wants to. I've learned to cook around its schedule."

— Donna K., Recall Notice #DB-007 (FlameThrow 3000)

"My CrushFridge was recalled for 'excessive crushing force.' They asked me to return it. The CrushFridge crushed the return shipping label. Then it crushed the replacement CrushFridge they sent. It's establishing dominance."

— Terrence W., Recall Notice #DB-003 (CrushFridge)

"The Blender of Doom's recall notice was addressed to the Blender of Doom. Not to me. To it. The Blender read it, chuckled, and went back to blending. It was not blending food. I don't know what it was blending. I didn't ask."

— Janet P., Recall Notice #DB-010 (Blender of Doom)

"I survived the GlassFountain Sink recall. Barely. The recall process involved a hazmat team, two bomb disposal units, and a priest. The priest was for morale. It didn't help."

— Roberto S., Recall Notice #DB-004 (GlassFountain Sink)

"I own all five products. I've received 847 recall notices. I've framed them. They cover an entire wall. It's the most expensive wallpaper I've ever owned, and I've owned a lot of wallpaper since the EZ-Splode keeps destroying my walls."

— "Big Dave" Flanagan, DangerBake Completionist
If you are currently experiencing a recall-related emergency, please do not contact us. Contact your local fire department, structural engineer, exorcist, or all three. We recommend all three.

What to Do If You Receive a Recall Notice

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Step 1: Don't Panic

Panicking increases your heart rate, which some DangerBake products can detect. The CrushFridge interprets elevated heart rates as a sign of weakness. The Blender of Doom interprets them as enthusiasm. Neither interpretation ends well for you. Remain calm. Breathe slowly. Do not make sudden movements.

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Step 2: Leave the Room

Calmly exit the room containing the recalled product. Do not turn your back on the product. Maintain eye contact if applicable. If the product does not have eyes, maintain eye contact with the general area where eyes would be. Close the door behind you. Lock it. This will not help, but it provides a false sense of security, which is all we can offer at this time.

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Step 3: Leave the House

After leaving the room, leave the house. After leaving the house, leave the neighborhood. After leaving the neighborhood, consult the evacuation radius chart included with your original product documentation (you threw it away, didn't you). Standard evacuation radius: 500 feet for the GlassFountain, 1 mile for the EZ-Splode, 3 miles for the FlameThrow, "as far as possible" for the CrushFridge, and "it doesn't matter, it will find you" for the Blender of Doom.

This page is itself subject to recall. The information contained herein may spontaneously combust, become sentient, or simply vanish. DangerBake Industries accepts no responsibility for any of these outcomes. See our Liability Waiver for details. Or don't. It won't change anything.
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