Liability Waiver

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By scrolling past this point, you have implicitly agreed to our liability waiver. Closing the browser does not constitute withdrawal of consent. Neither does screaming.

Things DangerBake Is Explicitly Not Liable For

Scenario Our Position
Minor burns (1st degree)Not Our Problem
Major burns (2nd degree)Not Our Problem
Burns we don't have a name for (???th degree)Especially Not Our Problem
Explosions (small)Not Our Problem
Explosions (medium)Not Our Problem
Explosions (visible from space)Not Our Problem
Loss of eyebrowsNot Our Problem
Loss of other facial hairNot Our Problem
Loss of kitchenNot Our Problem
Loss of houseNot Our Problem
Loss of neighborhoodNot Our Problem
Loss of will to liveNot Our Problem (but relatable)
Structural damage to foundationNot Our Problem
Structural damage to relationshipsNot Our Problem
Glass shards in unexpected placesNot Our Problem
Sentient appliances making demandsNot Our Problem (talk to their union)
Insurance claim denialsNot Our Problem
Insurance company dropping you entirelyNot Our Problem
Insurance company pretending you don't existNot Our Problem
Neighborhood evacuationsNot Our Problem
Municipal code violationsNot Our Problem
Federal investigationsNot Our Problem
International incidentsNot Our Problem (anymore)
Existential dreadNot Our Problem
Nightmares about the Blender of DoomNot Our Problem (but valid)
Our legal team consists of 47 lawyers, 12 of whom are still hospitalized from product testing. The remaining 35 have signed their own waivers and refuse to make eye contact.

Liability Waiver Tiers

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Bronze Waiver

Covers minor burns, small fires, and the loss of up to one (1) eyebrow. Does not cover emotional damage, singed curtains, or the look on your spouse's face. Signed in triplicate with a minimum of two witnesses who are also willing to sign waivers. Required for all products except the Blender of Doom, which requires at minimum the Silver tier.

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Silver Waiver

Covers structural damage to your home, including but not limited to: walls, floors, ceilings, load-bearing columns, and the concept of "home" as a safe space. Also covers up to $50,000 in contractor fees or one (1) exorcism, whichever applies. Your homeowner's insurance will pretend they've never heard of you. We recommend telling your neighbors in advance. They won't listen, but legally we told you to try.

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Gold Waiver

The full package. Covers neighborhood evacuations, municipal fines, federal investigations, and up to three (3) international incidents. Includes a complimentary burner phone and a suggested list of countries without extradition treaties. Also comes with a pre-written apology letter template (mail merge compatible) and a year's supply of "Sorry About Your Fence" greeting cards. Recommended for all CrushFridge and EZ-Splode Oven customers. Mandatory for anyone within 500 feet of a FlameThrow 3000.

Failure to sign a waiver does not exempt you from the consequences of DangerBake products. The products do not know or care whether you have signed paperwork.

People Who Didn't Sign the Waiver

"I thought the waiver was optional. I was wrong. My kitchen was wrong. My homeowner's insurance was wrong. Everything is wrong now."

— Derek M., Former Homeowner

"I skipped the waiver because I'm a lawyer and figured I could handle any legal situation. I am no longer a lawyer. I am no longer sure what state I live in. The CrushFridge moved my property line."

— Patricia L., J.D. (Revoked)

"They sent me the waiver seventeen times. I deleted every email. Then the Blender of Doom sent me one itself. It was more persuasive. I signed it. I signed everything."

— Hector V., Currently Compliant

"I tried to sue DangerBake without signing the waiver. The judge laughed. My lawyer laughed. The court stenographer laughed. The EZ-Splode Oven in the evidence room laughed, then detonated. Case dismissed."

— Karen T., Plaintiff (Case #DB-0000847)
This waiver is binding in all 50 states, 14 territories, 6 dimensions, and the astral plane. If you are reading this from beyond the grave, the waiver still applies. We checked.
SIGN YOUR LIFE AWAY