About DangerBake

A Story Nobody Asked For

Our Mission

DangerBake Industries was founded in April 2012 with a singular, unwavering vision: to make kitchen appliances as dangerous as physically, legally, and thermodynamically possible. Where other companies see “safety regulations,” we see creative constraints. Where others see “lawsuits,” we see engagement metrics. Every product we ship is a love letter to chaos, wrapped in a liability waiver, sealed with a small controlled explosion.
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Danger First

Safety is other companies' problem. We start every design meeting by asking: “Could this reasonably cause a neighborhood evacuation?” If the answer is no, it goes back to R&D.

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Growth at Any Cost

Our customer acquisition cost is remarkably low. Our customer retention cost is remarkably high. Our legal budget is classified. We're disrupting the kitchen industry—sometimes literally, through walls.

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Innovation Without Boundaries

Or guardrails. Or safety testing. Or adult supervision. Our engineers have the freedom to pursue their most reckless ideas, and our insurance premiums reflect that creative liberty.

Meet the Team

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Rex Combustion

CEO (Chief Explosion Officer)
Former demolition expert turned kitchen visionary. Banned from 14 countries and 3 Costcos. His TED Talk was cut short by the fire suppression system.

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Dr. Helena Scorch

Head of Product Destruction
PhD in Applied Thermodynamics from a university that no longer exists (unrelated). She personally tests every product and has the skin grafts to prove it.

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Bradley “The Eel” Slipman

VP of Liability Denial
Has never lost a lawsuit because he has never acknowledged receiving one. His office has 11 exits. He designed them himself.

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Sparky McVoltface

Lead “Safety” Engineer
The quotes around “Safety” are contractually mandated. Holds 47 patents, 12 of which are for devices that have been classified as weapons by the Geneva Convention.

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Janet Numbers

CFO (Chief Financial Optimist)
Describes our burn rate as “literal.” Has remortgaged the building four times to fund R&D. The building is now technically owned by a goat named Gerald.

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Dave

Intern (Permanent)
Dave has been an intern since founding. His promotion is “under review.” He handles customer complaints, product recalls, and the fire extinguisher. He is always tired.

Company History (Abridged for Legal Reasons)

April 2012 DangerBake Industries founded in a garage. Garage no longer exists.
Summer 2012 First prototype of the EZ-Splode Oven tested. Prototype performed as expected. Garage confirmed no longer existing.
Fall 2012 Received first cease-and-desist letter. Framed it. It now hangs in the lobby next to the fire extinguisher.
2013 Launched FlameThrow 3000. Three fire departments issue formal statements. We interpret them as endorsements.
2014 CrushFridge enters beta testing. Beta testers enter witness protection.
2016 GlassFountain Sink revealed at CES. Booth evacuated within 8 minutes. New CES record.
2018 Blender of Doom goes viral after blending a cinderblock on live television. Network apologizes. We do not.
2020 Named “Most Dangerous Company” by Forbes, Consumer Reports, and the Department of Homeland Security simultaneously.
2021 Opened second office. First office reclassified as a “blast site” by local authorities.
2023 Insurance provider drops us for the 7th time. We now self-insure. This means nothing.
2024 Black Friday sale. 10,000 units sold. 10,000 safety recalls issued. Same day. Personal best.
2025 Named “Company of the Year” by ourselves. No one else was consulted or willing.

Our Core Values

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“Move fast and break things” is not a motto here. It is a safety warning.

— Company Handbook, Page 1 (only page)
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We believe every kitchen deserves an appliance that keeps you on your toes. And occasionally off your feet.

— Brand Manifesto, Second Draft (first draft self-immolated)
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Transparency is key. That's why every product ships with a full list of things it will destroy. The list is never complete.

— Rex Combustion, Keynote Speech (before evacuation)
⚠️ WARNING: Reading this page does not constitute a contractual relationship with DangerBake Industries, but our legal team may argue otherwise. By scrolling this far, you have implicitly agreed to receive promotional emails, safety recall notices, and one unsolicited visit from Dave.

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