The CrushFridge™

Fresh to Flat in 3 Seconds

MILK PSI DANGER P W A CRUSH DANGERBAKE CAUTION 10K PSI ENERGY A+++ (disputed) -2°
$2,499.99 $1,799.99
★★★★☆ 4.6/5 (891 reviews)

Key Features

  • Industrial-grade hydraulic press built-in
  • Stores AND destroys food in one step
  • Crush settings: Pancake, Wafer, Atom-Thin
  • Energy Star rated (somehow)
  • Built-in speaker plays hydraulic press sound effects
  • Automatic crush cycle every 4 hours
Do not store anything you wish to see again.

Why CrushFridge™?

🏗

Industrial Hydraulic Press

10,000 PSI of freshness preservation. Originally designed for recycling cars, we miniaturized it to fit your kitchen. The results are... flat.

‌⚡

Store AND Destroy

Efficiency redefined. Why use two appliances when one can refrigerate and obliterate simultaneously? Saves counter space AND your food's will to live.

📏

Three Crush Settings

Pancake, Wafer, and Atom-Thin. For the precise destroyer who demands control over exactly how flat their groceries become.

‌⭐

Energy Star Rated

The auditors were very confused. We're not sure how this happened either, but we're not giving the sticker back.

🔊

Built-In Sound Effects

CRONCH. Every crush cycle is accompanied by a satisfying hydraulic press sound effect at 95 decibels. Your neighbors will love it.

🔄

Automatic Crush Cycle

Every 4 hours, whether you want it or not. Keeps things interesting and ensures nothing in your fridge gets too comfortable.

Technical Specifications

Crush Force 10,000 PSI
Interior Volume Decreasing
Noise Level Structural
Shelf Life Literal seconds
Dimensions 70" x 36" x 30" (before crush)
Energy Rating A+++ (disputed)
Crush Settings Pancake / Wafer / Atom-Thin
Warranty Until first crush cycle

Destruction Testimonials

★★★★★

"Put in a watermelon. Got watermelon paper. Framed it."

— Lisa M.

★★★★☆

"My meal prep now takes 3 seconds and produces 2D food."

— Anthony G.

★★★★★

"Left my laptop in there by accident. It's a bookmark now."

— Jessica W.

★★☆☆☆

"The automatic crush cycle went off during my party. The cheese platter is now a cheese sheet."

— Omar K.

★★★★★

"Finally, a fridge that matches my commitment to minimalism."

— Diane R.

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