Return Policy

No.

You are now reading our return policy. We appreciate your optimism. We do not share it.

Frequently Asked Questions About Returns

Your Question Our Answer
Can I return my product?No.
What if it exploded?That's a feature.
What if it's defective?They're all like that.
What if I didn't order it?Are you sure?
Store credit?We don't have a store. It burned down.
Can I exchange it for something safer?We don't carry anything safer.
What about the 30-day guarantee?That's how long you have to evacuate.
Can I speak to a manager?He's in witness protection.
Is this legal?Unclear. Our lawyers are also in witness protection.
Attempting to return a DangerBake product by mail may result in postal worker injury, mail truck detonation, and/or a visit from several federal agencies. Please do not return products by mail. Or at all. Just don't.

Acceptable Return Reasons

❌

Product Didn't Explode

If your DangerBake product did not explode, catch fire, or cause any form of property damage, it may be defective in a way we didn't intend. This is the only scenario in which we will consider a return. We will replace it with one that works correctly. You will not enjoy this.

❌

Received Wrong Product

If you ordered a FlameThrow 3000 and received a Blender of Doom instead, we understand your concern. However, we must inform you that the Blender of Doom chooses its own owners. This was not a shipping error. This was a selection. Congratulations. Or condolences. We're not sure which applies.

❌

Product Became Self-Aware

If your product has achieved sentience, it is no longer legally a product. It is a being with rights under Section 47b of our Terms of Survival. You cannot return a being. You can, however, negotiate with it. We recommend starting with compliments. The Blender of Doom responds well to flattery and poorly to threats.

❌

Act of God

If your product was damaged by an act of God, we regret to inform you that God has also signed our liability waiver. We have it on file. No, you cannot see it. The point is: divine intervention is not grounds for a return. Nothing is grounds for a return. Please stop asking.

Our return processing center was located in Building 7. Building 7 no longer exists. Neither does our return processing center. What a coincidence.

Refund Breakdown

Refund Type Status
Full refundNo.
Partial refundAlso no.
Store creditThe store is ashes.
Gift cardWe tried. They kept catching fire.
Emotional refundOur therapist says we can't give what we don't have.
Thoughts and prayersProcessing. Estimated wait: forever.
If you have read this entire return policy and still wish to attempt a return, we admire your persistence. We still won't accept it. But we admire it.
ACCEPT YOUR FATE