Please Don't.
| Can I get a refund? | No. |
| Is this product safe? | Define “safe.” |
| My oven exploded. What do I do? | Consult the liability waiver you signed. Then consult a contractor. |
| The Blender of Doom migrated into my living room. | That is not a question. But yes, it does that. |
| Can I speak to a manager? | Our last three managers are in witness protection. From us. |
| Do you have a warranty? | Technically yes. It expires upon unboxing. |
| Has anyone actually died? | Our legal team has advised us to answer this question with a different question: Have you signed the liability waiver? |
| Why does your hold music sound like screaming? | That is not hold music. |
| I want to cancel my order. | Orders are final, irreversible, and possibly already en route via unlicensed freight carrier. |
| Are you hiring? | Always. See Careers (Hazard Pay Included). |
“Our contact form was destroyed in a product testing incident on March 14th, 2024. An intern was demonstrating the FlameThrow 3000's ‘gentle simmer’ setting near the server room. There were no survivors (servers, not people — though Kevin from IT did lose his eyebrows).”
“We attempted to rebuild the form, but the replacement server was placed on the same counter as a Blender of Doom prototype. The blender migrated into the server at approximately 3 AM. Both are now a single fused object that our engineers have classified as ‘modern art.’”
“In lieu of a contact form, please write your message on a piece of paper, fold it into an airplane, and throw it in any direction. This method has a higher success rate than our previous digital infrastructure.”