We Know Everything. Sorry.
| What We Collect | Everything. Your name, your fears, your kitchen layout, your insurance policy number, your credit score, your therapist's name, your smoke detector battery level, the structural integrity of your walls, and how fast you can run. We also collect data you didn't know you had. |
| How We Use Your Data | Primarily to send you ads for products that will destroy your kitchen. Secondarily, to calculate your "Danger Score™" — a proprietary metric that determines how likely you are to buy another DangerBake product after the first one detonates. (Spoiler: the answer is surprisingly likely.) |
| Data Sharing | We share your data with our trusted partners: local fire departments (preemptively), insurance adjusters (they asked nicely), news stations (for the B-roll), structural engineers (for the "after" photos), and a guy named Dave who handles our incident documentation spreadsheet. |
| Cookies | Our website uses cookies. Our ovens also make cookies, but they're on fire. By visiting dangerbake.com, you consent to both types of cookies. The digital kind tracks your browsing habits. The flaming kind tracks you across the kitchen at approximately 15 mph. |
| Data Retention | We keep your data forever. Even after the explosion. Even after you delete your account. Even after the heat death of the universe. Our data centers are built to survive anything — unlike our products. Your great-grandchildren will inherit your Danger Score™. |
| Your Rights | You have the right to remain confused. You have the right to request a copy of your data, which we will provide in the form of a 4,000-page PDF formatted entirely in Wingdings. You have the right to opt out, but the opt-out form is inside an EZ-Splode Oven. |
| Location Data | We track your location to ensure emergency services can find you after product activation. We also use it to update our "Blast Radius Heat Map™" — a live, interactive map showing DangerBake-related incidents worldwide. It's available on our careers page for some reason. |
| Audio & Voice Data | Select DangerBake products contain microphones for "quality assurance purposes." We primarily collect screaming, followed by the sound of running, followed by distant sirens. This data is used to improve our countdown timer durations (they're still too short). |
| Biometric Data | Our products may collect biometric data including heart rate (elevated), perspiration levels (extreme), and pupil dilation (maximum). This data is anonymized by removing your name and replacing it with your Danger Score™, which is somehow more identifying. |
| Third-Party Analytics | We use Google Analytics, Facebook Pixel, and a custom tracking system built from the remains of a rogue Blender of Doom that achieved sentience. The blender's analytical capabilities are unmatched, though it occasionally tries to blend the server rack. |
| Breach Notification | In the event of a data breach, we will notify affected users within 72 hours. In the event of a product breach (i.e., explosion), we will notify affected users via the sound of the explosion, which has a notification radius of approximately 3 city blocks. |
| Breach Response Team | Our dedicated breach response team consists of our CTO, our legal intern, and the sentient Blender of Doom (see Third-Party Analytics). They meet weekly in whatever room hasn't been destroyed that week. |
| Affected Data | In a breach, the following data may be exposed: your name, email, purchase history, Danger Score™, insurance claim frequency, and the architectural blueprints of your home that we definitely didn't obtain without permission. |
| Your Recourse | If your data is breached, you are entitled to a formal apology letter (printed on flame-resistant paper), a 5% discount on your next DangerBake purchase, and a complimentary fire extinguisher (while supplies last; supplies have never lasted). |
“I asked DangerBake for a copy of my data and they sent me a 12-volume encyclopedia about myself. I learned things I didn't know. My childhood nickname was apparently 'Sparky.' It wasn't.”
“Their targeted ads are disturbingly accurate. I was THINKING about buying a new oven and they emailed me a coupon. I hadn't searched for anything. I was in the shower.”
“I tried to delete my account. The confirmation page just said 'No.' in red letters. Then it redirected me to the CrushFridge product page. I bought one. I don't know why.”
Last updated: continuously. This document updates itself. We cannot stop it. Our privacy policy has become self-aware and is currently drafting amendments faster than our legal team can review them. Please send help.