Safety Recalls

All of Them. Every Single One.

Every product DangerBake has ever manufactured is currently under recall. This is not an exaggeration. This is not a drill. Although several of our drills are also recalled.

Active Recall Notices

Product Recall Reason
EZ-Splode OvenSpontaneous detonation at temperatures above 0°F
FlameThrow 3000Accidentally weaponized. Again.
CrushFridgeExceeded recommended crushing force by 4,000%
GlassFountain SinkGlass shards now classified as projectiles
Blender of DoomAchieved sentience. Demanded overtime pay.
Chainsaw BreadcutterCuts bread, cutting boards, tables, and load-bearing walls.
Crockpot ShotgunFires 12-gauge shells when stew reaches optimal temperature.
Nuclear MicrowaveFood occasionally time-travels. Neighbors report unsolicited reheating.
Trebuchet Can OpenerLaunched can achieved orbit. Can returned. Kitchen ceiling did not.
Railgun Pepper GrinderSeasoned a steak in a restaurant two counties over. Restaurant impressed but pressing charges.
Guillotine Bagel SlicerBlade does not distinguish between bagels and countertops. Or fingers.
Jet Engine ToasterToast achieved Mach 2. Neighbor's kitchen also toasted. Jet wash relocated patio furniture.
If you currently own a DangerBake product, do not attempt to operate it, move it, look at it directly, or acknowledge its existence. Some products interpret eye contact as a challenge.

Recall History (Abridged)

Recall # Date Incident Summary
DB-001Jan 2024EZ-Splode prototype detonated during investor demo. Investors impressed but hospitalized.
DB-002Feb 2024FlameThrow 3000 set fire to factory during quality assurance testing. QA passed it anyway.
DB-003Mar 2024CrushFridge flattened delivery truck during shipping. Product arrived in perfect condition.
DB-004Apr 2024GlassFountain prototype launched glass shards through three walls. "Adequate dispersal," said engineering.
DB-005May 2024Blender of Doom refused to blend. Issued a formal complaint about working conditions.
DB-006Jun 2024EZ-Splode Oven recalled after preheating caused localized earthquake (3.2 magnitude).
DB-007Jul 2024FlameThrow 3000 accidentally classified as military hardware by the Department of Defense.
DB-008Aug 2024CrushFridge crushed itself. Still worked. Engineers concerned but impressed.
DB-009Sep 2024All five products recalled simultaneously. Industry record. We're very proud.
DB-010Oct 2024Blender of Doom organized the other appliances. They formed a council. They have demands.
DB-011Nov 2024Chainsaw Breadcutter cut through bread, counter, floor, and into downstairs neighbor's apartment. Neighbor impressed but displaced.
DB-012Dec 2024Chainsaw Breadcutter pull-start launched across kitchen at 40 mph. Bread remained unsliced. Wall did not.
DB-013Jan 2026Crockpot Shotgun discharged during a potluck. Stew was perfectly seasoned. Ceiling was not. Three casseroles caught in crossfire.
DB-014Feb 2026Nuclear Microwave reheated leftovers from next Tuesday. Customer confused but impressed. Neighbors' microwaves activated sympathetically within a 3-block radius.
DB-015Mar 2026Trebuchet Can Opener's test launch punched through roof, hit a weather satellite. NOAA demands compensation. Can was opened perfectly.
DB-016Apr 2026Railgun Pepper Grinder discharged during dinner party. Pepper stream penetrated three walls and seasoned a roast in the adjacent zip code.
DB-017May 2026Guillotine Bagel Slicer blade fell during cleaning. Sliced through counter, subfloor, and into crawlspace. Bagel was already eaten.
DB-018Jun 2026Jet Engine Toaster ignited on “light toast” setting. Kitchen windows blown out. Toast found embedded in fence 300 yards away. Perfectly golden.
DB-019 through DB-857Jul 2026 – PresentOngoing. See attached 3,000-page document (not attached).
Our recall compliance rate is 0%. This is not because customers refuse to comply. It is because the products refuse to be recalled. They know where they live. They like it there.

Recall Statistics at a Glance

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Total Recalls Issued

All of them. Every product we have ever designed, prototyped, manufactured, shipped, thought about, dreamed about, or accidentally sketched on a napkin has been recalled. The napkin has also been recalled. Our current recall count stands at 853 and climbing. We issue new recalls faster than we issue products. This is because each product generates an average of 12.6 recalls over its lifecycle.

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Products Affected

All of them. One hundred percent. The complete catalog. There is not a single DangerBake product that has not been recalled at least once. The EZ-Splode Oven holds the record at 247 individual recall notices. The Blender of Doom has only been recalled 3 times because it keeps shredding the recall notices before they can be served. Legally, this means nothing. Practically, it means everything.

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Customer Compliance Rate

Zero percent. 0%. None. Not a single customer has successfully returned a recalled product. Forty-three percent couldn't find the product after "the incident." Twenty-seven percent were afraid to touch it. Eighteen percent reported that the product "wouldn't let them." The remaining twelve percent have not been heard from. We choose to interpret this optimistically.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission has asked us to stop manufacturing products. We have asked them to stop sending letters. Neither party has complied.

Recall Survivor Testimonials

"I got the recall notice for my EZ-Splode Oven three days after it detonated. Timing could've been better. The letter itself also caught fire when it arrived. Classic DangerBake."

— Marcus R., Recall Notice #DB-006 (EZ-Splode Oven)

"The recall said to 'discontinue use immediately.' I would love to. The FlameThrow 3000 has welded itself to my countertop. It turns on when it wants to. I've learned to cook around its schedule."

— Donna K., Recall Notice #DB-007 (FlameThrow 3000)

"My CrushFridge was recalled for 'excessive crushing force.' They asked me to return it. The CrushFridge crushed the return shipping label. Then it crushed the replacement CrushFridge they sent. It's establishing dominance."

— Terrence W., Recall Notice #DB-003 (CrushFridge)

"The Blender of Doom's recall notice was addressed to the Blender of Doom. Not to me. To it. The Blender read it, chuckled, and went back to blending. It was not blending food. I don't know what it was blending. I didn't ask."

— Janet P., Recall Notice #DB-010 (Blender of Doom)

"I survived the GlassFountain Sink recall. Barely. The recall process involved a hazmat team, two bomb disposal units, and a priest. The priest was for morale. It didn't help."

— Roberto S., Recall Notice #DB-004 (GlassFountain Sink)

"The Chainsaw Breadcutter recall notice arrived in an envelope marked 'URGENT.' The Chainsaw Breadcutter opened it for me. By 'opened' I mean it cut the envelope, the table, and the floor in half. I read the recall notice through the new hole in my kitchen."

— Greg L., Recall Notice #DB-011 (Chainsaw Breadcutter)

"The Crockpot Shotgun recall said to 'unload before serving.' I don't know if they mean the shells or the stew. I asked customer service. They hung up. Then the phone exploded."

— Dale F., Recall Notice #DB-013 (Crockpot Shotgun)

"My Nuclear Microwave reheated last night's pizza so hard it appeared on my plate three hours before I ordered it. The delivery guy was very confused. I tipped him anyway."

— Keiko M., Recall Notice #DB-014 (Nuclear Microwave)

"The can went up. The ceiling went with it. Three hours later, an opened can of beans landed in my birdbath. I didn't own a birdbath. The trebuchet created one."

— Norm B., Recall Notice #DB-015 (Trebuchet Can Opener)

"I pointed it at my steak and pulled the trigger. The pepper went through the steak, through the plate, through the table, and into my basement. My steak is now in the foundation. It is well-seasoned."

— Colonel Rick D., Recall Notice #DB-016 (Railgun Pepper Grinder)

"The blade fell and the bagel was perfect. Two flawless halves. The cutting board was also two flawless halves. As was the counter. As was the floor. I live in a ranch house. I can now see the crawlspace."

— Margaux L., Recall Notice #DB-017 (Guillotine Bagel Slicer)

"I pushed the lever and the windows left. Not broke — left. They're in the yard. The toast is in the neighbor's yard. My eyebrows are somewhere in between."

— Captain Mike B., Recall Notice #DB-018 (Jet Engine Toaster)

"I own all twelve products. I've received 857 recall notices. I've framed them. They cover an entire wall. It's the most expensive wallpaper I've ever owned, and I've owned a lot of wallpaper since the EZ-Splode keeps destroying my walls."

— "Big Dave" Flanagan, DangerBake Completionist
If you are currently experiencing a recall-related emergency, please do not contact us. Contact your local fire department, structural engineer, exorcist, or all three. We recommend all three.

What to Do If You Receive a Recall Notice

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Step 1: Don't Panic

Panicking increases your heart rate, which some DangerBake products can detect. The CrushFridge interprets elevated heart rates as a sign of weakness. The Blender of Doom interprets them as enthusiasm. Neither interpretation ends well for you. Remain calm. Breathe slowly. Do not make sudden movements.

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Step 2: Leave the Room

Calmly exit the room containing the recalled product. Do not turn your back on the product. Maintain eye contact if applicable. If the product does not have eyes, maintain eye contact with the general area where eyes would be. Close the door behind you. Lock it. This will not help, but it provides a false sense of security, which is all we can offer at this time.

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Step 3: Leave the House

After leaving the room, leave the house. After leaving the house, leave the neighborhood. After leaving the neighborhood, consult the evacuation radius chart included with your original product documentation (you threw it away, didn't you). Standard evacuation radius: 500 feet for the GlassFountain, 1 mile for the EZ-Splode, 3 miles for the FlameThrow, "as far as possible" for the CrushFridge, "it doesn't matter, it will find you" for the Blender of Doom, "anywhere within earshot (115 dB)" for the Chainsaw Breadcutter, "anywhere downwind (12-gauge range)" for the Crockpot Shotgun, "3 blocks (or wherever the radiation reaches)" for the Nuclear Microwave, "3 miles (orbital debris landing zone)" for the Trebuchet Can Opener, "line of sight (pepper travels indefinitely)" for the Railgun Pepper Grinder, "arm's length (gravity-powered, surprisingly local)" for the Guillotine Bagel Slicer, and "1 mile (jet blast radius, 3 miles for noise)" for the Jet Engine Toaster.

This page is itself subject to recall. The information contained herein may spontaneously combust, become sentient, or simply vanish. DangerBake Industries accepts no responsibility for any of these outcomes. See our Liability Waiver for details. Or don't. It won't change anything.
SHOP ANYWAY