The FlameThrow 3000™

Preheat to Hell

MAX DANGER 3000 FLAMETHROW
$1,299.99 $999.99
★★★★★ 4.9/5 (1,203 reviews)

Key Features

  • 6-foot flame projection range
  • Adjustable from 'Singe' to 'Inferno'
  • Stainless steel (heat-warped) exterior
  • No off switch (by design)
  • Built-in smoke detector disabler
  • Comes with flame-retardant apron
Keep 30 feet from all flammable materials, including your house.

Why The FlameThrow 3000™?

🔥

6-Foot Flame Projection

Cooks your meal AND your neighbor's. Our patented FlameReach™ technology ensures even heat distribution across multiple properties.

🎛️

11 Heat Settings

Adjustable from 'Singe' to 'Inferno.' All of them dangerous. Setting 6 is labeled 'Why?' and setting 11 just says 'Goodbye.'

🔩

Heat-Warped Stainless Steel

Develops character with each use. After 3 uses, your oven becomes a unique sculpture. Modern art galleries have inquired.

🚫

No Off Switch

Commitment is a feature, not a bug. Once you start cooking, you're cooking until the fuel runs out. Or the house does.

🔇

Smoke Detector Disabler

For uninterrupted cooking. Built-in signal jammer ensures no pesky alarms ruin your culinary experience.

🧚

Flame-Retardant Apron

For the first 30 seconds. After that, it's decorative. Made from space shuttle heat tiles (rejected ones).

See It In Action

FLAMETHROW 3000 12 6 FWOOOOSH!

Technical Specifications

BTU Output Yes
Flame Color Blue to 'Oh God'
Fuel Type Nightmares
Safety Certifications Pending since 2019
Heat Settings 11 (all dangerous)
Off Switch N/A
Flame Range 6 feet (advertised), ~12 feet (actual)
Weight 180 lbs (mostly fuel)

Destruction Testimonials

★★★★★

"I preheated for Thanksgiving and my deck is gone. Turkey was incredible though."

— Mike J.
★★★★★

"The fire department knows me by name now. They bring marshmallows."

— Sandra L.
★★★☆☆

"'No off switch' sounded fun until hour 47."

— Dave T.
★★★★★

"I pointed it at the snow in my driveway. I no longer have a driveway."

— Carlos M.
★★★★★

"My eyebrows grew back thicker. Consider it a bonus feature."

— Jenny H.
★☆☆☆☆

"Tried to make toast. Now own a vacant lot."

— Robert F.

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