Press & Media

Mostly Incident Reports.

In the News

☢️

“Local Kitchen Achieves Nuclear Fusion”

The Daily Combustion — A suburban home became the first residential address to achieve sustained nuclear fusion after an EZ-Splode Oven was set to “broil.” The homeowner described the experience as “warm.”

📜

“FDA Issues 47th Warning Letter to DangerBake”

Safety Weekly — The FDA has sent its 47th formal warning to DangerBake Industries this year, a record previously held by a now-defunct fireworks-and-daycare combo business. DangerBake has framed every letter.

🌡️

“FlameThrow 3000 Visible from Space, NASA Confirms”

The Thermal Times — Satellite imagery captured a FlameThrow 3000 in use during a backyard barbecue in Ohio. NASA has classified the heat signature as a “localized solar event.”

🚗

“Blender of Doom Escapes Kitchen, Found in Neighbor's Garage”

The Appliance Dispatch — A Blender of Doom unit vibrated off a kitchen counter, through a screen door, across a lawn, and into an adjacent garage where it blended a lawnmower. The blender is still at large.

🧊

“CrushFridge Flattens Award-Winning Sourdough”

Artisan Panic Quarterly — A professional baker's prize-winning sourdough was compressed to the thickness of a credit card by a CrushFridge's “gentle storage” mode. The baker described the result as “avant-garde focaccia.”

💨

“DangerBake IPO Crashes Market; Investors Blame Explosions”

The Financial Inferno — DangerBake's attempted IPO lasted 4 minutes before trading was halted. The company's prospectus listed “unlimited liability” under strengths. Three investment banks have since entered therapy.

🔫

“Man Bags 12-Point Buck While Making Beef Stew”

Outdoor Cooking & Ammo Monthly — A Crockpot Shotgun owner reports bagging a deer through his kitchen window while his slow-cooked stew reached optimal temperature. “The seasoning kicked in at the exact same moment,” he said. The deer was added to the stew. The window was not replaced.

☢️

“Neighborhood Reports Spontaneous Reheating Event”

The Quantum Kitchen Gazette — A Nuclear Microwave owner's leftover lasagna materialized in four neighboring kitchens simultaneously. Two neighbors didn't own lasagna. One neighbor's food arrived from next Thursday. The FDA has requested a meeting. The microwave has requested a lawyer.

🚀

“Trebuchet Can Opener Blamed for Satellite Outage”

The Orbital Observer — ESA confirms debris from a “kitchen-launched projectile” struck a communications satellite. A can of chickpeas was found lodged in the solar array. DangerBake denies involvement. The can was opened.

🌶

“Pentagon Demands DangerBake Cease Pepper Distribution”

Defense Seasoning Weekly — A Railgun Pepper Grinder test-firing was detected by NORAD as a “hypersonic condiment event.” The pepper trail was tracked across three states before dissipating over Lake Erie.

⚒

“Artisan Bakery Installs Guillotine, Loses Three Display Cases”

The Sourdough Sentinel — A Brooklyn bakery's Guillotine Bagel Slicer sliced through its bagel, the display case, and the neighboring yoga studio's reception desk. Both businesses gave it five stars.

✈️

“FAA Investigates Toast Incident at 30,000 Feet”

Aviation Breakfast Monthly — A commercial pilot reports a piece of toast struck his aircraft windshield at cruising altitude. The toast was traced to a Jet Engine Toaster operating in suburban New Jersey. The toast was perfectly golden.

Press Kit & Media Contact

Media Contact Chad Burnsworth, Director of Spin
Email press@dangerbake.com (auto-replies with NDA)
Phone (555) 0FIRE-00 (rings directly to a FlameThrow 3000)
Press Kit Download Unavailable. File server was stored inside a CrushFridge.
Brand Guidelines Use our logo however you want. We have bigger legal problems.
Photo Assets All product photos were taken by a camera that was subsequently blended.
Interview Requests Our CEO is currently in an undisclosed location for “strategic reasons.”
Fact-Checking We respectfully decline to participate in fact-checking.
Corrections Policy All published information about DangerBake is correct, especially the parts that seem wrong.

What Journalists Are Saying

★★★★★

“I was sent to review the EZ-Splode Oven. I am writing this from a hospital. The oven performed exactly as advertised. Five stars.”

— Janet Cho, The Daily Combustion
★★★★☆

“I asked DangerBake for a comment and received a 400-page liability waiver, a pair of safety goggles, and a handwritten note that just said ‘good luck.’”

— Marcus Webb, Safety Weekly
★★★★★

“The most honest company I have ever covered. They told me their products were dangerous, their legal team was overwhelmed, and their CEO was ‘probably fine.’ Refreshing transparency.”

— Dr. Lena Okafor, The Thermal Times
★★☆☆☆

“They invited me to a product demo. I arrived to find the building had been replaced by a crater. A man in a hard hat handed me a press release titled ‘Exceeding Expectations.’”

— Reggie Park, The Appliance Dispatch
★★★★★

“I have covered wars, natural disasters, and political scandals. Nothing prepared me for the DangerBake factory tour. My editor won't publish the story. She says no one would believe it.”

— Hiro Tanaka, The Financial Inferno

Press Department Advisory

The DangerBake press department operates out of a repurposed shipping container that is not up to code. Visit at your own risk. Hardhat required. Full hazmat suit recommended.
All media interviews are conducted at a minimum safe distance of 200 feet from any DangerBake product, facility, employee, or subsidiary. This distance was calculated after the Incident.
DangerBake Industries reserves the right to classify any negative press coverage as “speculative fiction.” Our legal department has 47 attorneys. They are all busy.
Members of the press who have previously published articles about DangerBake are automatically enrolled in our “Witness Appreciation Program,” which includes complimentary safety goggles and a strongly worded suggestion to relocate.