Let Them Eat Bagels.
| Dimensions | 18 in W × 36 in H × 14 in D |
| Weight | 62 lbs (blade: 40 lbs) |
| Blade Material | High-carbon steel, angled 45° |
| Drop Height | 24 inches (terminal velocity: adequate) |
| Construction | Hand-carved oak, wrought iron, brass fittings |
| Slice Tolerance | ±0.001mm |
| Basket Material | Hand-woven French wicker |
| Historical Accuracy | Certified by no one (applications pending) |
"The blade fell and the bagel was perfect. Two flawless halves. The cutting board was also two flawless halves. As was the counter. As was the floor. I live in a ranch house. I can now see the crawlspace."
"I brought it to the office. HR said I couldn't keep a guillotine in the break room. I pointed out it's a bagel slicer. They pointed out the blade weighs 40 pounds. We compromised. It stays."
"The mini cream cheese guillotine is the most terrifyingly efficient kitchen tool I have ever owned. It portions cream cheese with the precision of a Swiss watch and the energy of the French Revolution."
"My wife said 'it's just a bagel slicer, how dangerous can it be?' I now have two kitchen islands. I used to have one. The slicer decided otherwise."
"Historically accurate in every detail. The rope pull mechanism, the angled blade, the dramatic pause before the drop. My morning bagel routine now takes 45 minutes and requires an audience."
"My cat knocked the release lever. The blade fell. The bagel, the plate, the table, and my lease are all now in two pieces. The cat is fine. The cat is always fine."